If you could be one age for the rest of your life, what would it be?
Would you choose to be nine years old, spending your days playing with friends and practicing your times tables?
Or would you choose your early 20s, when time feels endless and the world is your oyster with friends, travel, pubs, and clubs?
Western culture idealizes youth, so it may come as a surprise to learn that in a recent poll asking this question, the most popular answer wasn't 9 or 23, but 36.
Yet as a developmental psychologist, I thought that response made a lot of sense.
36 is the magic number.Canva
For the last four years, I've been studying people's experiences in their 30s and early 40s, and my research has led me to believe that this stage of life, while full of challenges, is much more rewarding than most might think.
The career and care crunch
When I was a researcher in my late 30s, I realized that no one was doing research on people in their 30s and early 40s, which puzzled me. So much often happens during this time: Buying homes, getting married or getting divorced; building careers, changing careers, having children or choosing not to have children.
According to one respondendant things "feel more in place". Canva
To study something, it helps to name it. So my colleagues and I named the period from ages 30 to 45 "established adulthood" and then set out to try to understand it better. While we are still collecting data, we have interviewed over 100 people in this age cohort and collected survey data from more than 600 additional people.
We went into this large-scale project expecting to find that established adults were happy but struggling. We thought there would be rewards during this period of life, perhaps being settled in career, family, and friendships, or peaking physically and cognitively, but also some significant challenges.
The main challenge we anticipated was what we called "the career and care crunch."
This refers to the collision of workplace demands and the demands of caring for others that occurs in one's 30s and early 40s. Trying to climb a ladder in one's chosen career while also being increasingly expected to care for kids, tend to the needs of partners and perhaps care for aging parents.
Yet when we started to look at our data, what we found surprised us.
Yes, people were feeling overwhelmed and talked about having too much to do in too little time. But they also talked about feeling profoundly satisfied. All of these things that were bringing them stress were also bringing them joy.
For example, Yuying, 44, said, "Even though there are complicated points of this time period, I feel very solidly happy in this space right now." Nina, 39, simply described herself as being "wildly happy." (The names used in this piece are pseudonyms, as required by research protocol.)
When we took an even closer look at our data, it started to become clear why people might wish to remain age 36 over any other age. People talked about being in the prime of their lives and feeling at their peak. After years of working to develop careers and relationships, people reported feeling as though they had finally arrived.
Mark, 36, shared that, at least for him, "things feel more in place." "I've put together a machine that's finally got all the parts it needs," he said.
A sigh of relief after the tumultuous 20s
As well as feeling as though they had accumulated the careers, relationships and general life skills they had been working toward since their 20s, people also said they had greater self-confidence and understood themselves better.
Jodie, 36, appreciated the wisdom she had gained as she reflected on life beyond her 20s:
"Now you've got a solid decade of life experience. And what you discover about yourself in your 20s isn't necessarily that what you wanted was wrong. It's just you have the opportunity to figure out what you don't want and what's not going to work for you. So you go into your 30s, and you don't waste a bunch of time going on half dozen dates with somebody that's probably not really going to work out, because you've dated before and you have that confidence and that self-assuredness to be like, 'Hey, thanks but no thanks.' Your friend circle becomes a lot closer because you weed out the people that you just don't need in your life that bring drama.
Most established adults we interviewed seemed to recognize that they were happier in their 30s than they were in their 20s, and this impacted how they thought about some of the signs of physical aging that they were starting to encounter. For example, Lisa, 37, said, "If I could go back physically but I had to also go back emotionally and mentally no way. I would take flabby skin lines every day."
Not ideal for everyone
Our research should be viewed with some caveats.
The interviews were primarily conducted with middle-class North Americans, and many of the participants were white. For those who are working class, or for those who have had to deal with decades of systemic racism, established adulthood may not be so rosy.
It is also worth noting that the career and care crunch has been exacerbated, especially for women, by the COVID-19 pandemic. For this reason, the pandemic may be leading to a decrease in life satisfaction, especially for established adults who are parents trying to navigate full-time careers and full-time child care.
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At the same time, that people think of their 30s and not their 20s or their teens as the sweet spot in their lives to which they'd like to return suggests that this is a period of life that we should pay more attention to.
And this is slowly happening. Along with my own work is an excellent book recently written by Kayleen Shaefer, "But You're Still So Young," that explores people navigating their 30s. In her book she tells stories of changing career paths, navigating relationships and dealing with fertility.
My colleagues and I hope that our work and Shaefer's book are just the beginning. A better understanding of the challenges and rewards of established adulthood will give society more tools to support people during that period, ensuring that this golden age provides not only memories that we will fondly look back upon but also a solid foundation for the rest of our lives.
Clare Mehta is an Associate Professor of Psychology, Emmanuel College. This article originally appeared on The Conversation. You can read it here.
This article originally appeared last year.
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21 products that are gaslighting us into thinking they’re essential when they’re not
Some things in life are actually necessary—clean water, decent healthcare, basic human decency. But then there are the things that feel like they’re gaslighting us. The things we’re told we can’t live without, even though we survived just fine before they existed. Things like "smart" fridges, lawn fertilizer services, and yes—whole body deodorant.
Recently, our sister-site Upworthy asked their Facebook audience the question: What's a product or service that feels like it's gaslighting all of us into thinking it's necessary? More than 8,000 responses poured in. The answers were passionate, funny, and surprisingly unified.
Here are 21 products, services, and systems people called out for pretending to be essential—when they might actually be optional, overpriced, or flat-out invented.
1. Whole body deodorant
"Take a shower," said Shannon H.
“How did we ever manage all those years without it!! 😂😵💫” added Karen R.
Others noted it may help people with medical conditions—but for the average person, it's definitely a marketing creation.
2. Health insurance
It topped the list. Erica L. explained: “My doctor prescribes, the pharmacist issues meds, nurses care for people, surgeons do surgery—Health Insurance stands between health care and patients and says no, exclusively on whether they think it’s financially effective to treat you.”
Important note: Health insurance can provide life-saving access for many—but what people are frustrated by here is the profit-first system, not care itself.
3. The wedding industry
Multiple people slammed the high cost of modern weddings.
JoElla B. put it plainly: “We spend too much time and money planning one day, and not enough thought on how to blend two lives in a mutually beneficial one.”
Others called out expensive dresses, venues, and pressure to perform for social media.
4. Bottled water
Carole D. said: “Water in plastic bottles! Get a cup!”
While bottled water has value in emergencies, it’s often just filtered tap water—sold for profit in plastic.
5. Baby product overload
“Most baby products,” wrote Kelli O. “They really aren’t as needy and complicated as companies want us to think.”
6. Fabric softener
“It’s bad for clothes, bad for the Earth, bad for the wallet, and totally unnecessary,” said Gail H.
Some experts agree—many softeners contain chemicals that can reduce fabric lifespan and irritate skin.
7. Smart appliances
“Adding ‘phone controls’ to every appliance instead of making them last as long as they used to,” wrote Sherry S.
When your fridge needs a software update, something’s gone off the rails.
8. Makeup and anti-aging products
“Anything anti-aging,” said Melissa T., “Please just let me age into the gargoyle I was meant to become.”
Others questioned products designed to “fix” eyelashes, eyebrows, pores, and graying hair.
April S. added, “Products that women are convinced they MUST have in order to be ‘beautiful’ and therefore ‘loved.’”
9. Cosmetic surgery
Ron P. called out the industry as a whole. And while body autonomy matters, many commenters questioned whether insecurities are being commodified and sold back to us.
10. Ticketmaster and “convenience fees”
“Let’s go back to waiting in line at a record store,” wrote Nicole C.
Zaida B. added: “Convenience fee for online purchases—then charging $10 more at the actual event.”
11. Engagement rings
James P. didn’t mince words: “Engagement rings.”
The diamond industry has long been criticized for manufactured scarcity and marketing-fueled necessity.
12. Lawn chemicals and services
“Plant native grasses and you don’t have the pests or need for constant watering,” wrote Jamie B.
Environmental groups have raised similar concerns over runoff and unnecessary pesticide use.
13. AI and generative tech
“This stuff squeezes the lifeblood and individuality out of the human experience,” said Teresa L.
Saskia D. and others echoed skepticism about its necessity, even as many of us are being pushed to use it.
14. Funeral services
Amy W. shared: “My parents both have already paid to have themselves cremated and are very adamant that they do not want anything big done for them. In their words, ‘I won’t care, I’m dead.’”
Of course, some families find comfort in tradition—but the cost and pressure can feel overwhelming and predatory.
15. Rinse and repeat
Amy D. nailed it: “It’s just to sell more. Not even sure you need it at all.”
16. Credit Card Surcharges
Shawn S. took aim at the extra fees popping up at checkout: “That is the cost of doing business and shouldn’t be the burden of the purchaser.”
Many questioned why customers are increasingly being asked to pay extra simply for the convenience of using a card.
17. Constant phone upgrades
“Apple are notorious for releasing the same shit every year,” said Steph S.
Diana H. added, “Needing to upgrade our phones so frequently.”
Built-in obsolescence and marketing cycles drive most of the demand.
18. Vitamins and supplements
“If I took every supplement they say I NEED I wouldn’t need food. Nor could I afford it,” said Tausha L.
19. Fake pockets on women’s pants
Jessica W. said, “I have to buy men’s pants for work because women’s pants would just get torn up too fast!”
Form over function, and then they charge more for it.
20. Disposable everything
“The ‘convenience’ of disposable everything,” said Rick R.
It’s killing the planet—and draining wallets.
21. Tipping
“I’m sick of supplementing for corporations that refuse to pay a living wage,” wrote Susan V.
Tipping culture has evolved into something far removed from its original intent, and for many, it now feels like a burden shifted onto the customer.
The bigger picture
People aren’t saying all these things should vanish tomorrow. But when we start seeing convenience sold as necessity, and insecurity turned into billion-dollar markets, it's worth asking: who benefits from all of this?
And more importantly—who pays?
This article originally appeared earlier this year.