Maybe you see yourself as a fiery personality. You feel a lot. There's a need to express yourself in the hopes of keeping your sanity. Though some call this passion, one professional therapist has some insights into how we manage our emotions and what that says about our emotional maturity.
Jeffrey Meltzer (@therapytothepoint), a licensed therapist and TikTok creator focused on mental health content and awareness, posted a video explaining the '6 signs of Low Emotional Intelligence.' For some people, their actions are almost always dictated by the way they feel. Letting one's feelings determine actions is a risky behavior and sign of low emotional maturity.
Emotional intelligence is described as "the ability to recognize, understand, and deal skillfully with one's own emotions and the emotions of others," according to the Mental Health America. The word "skillfully" suggests emotional intelligence is a tool we can all improve upon. If one's emotional intelligence or "EQ" is low, there are things to do to increase it. Meltzer shares the signs of low EQ, and how to deal with each one:
1. They need to be right
Some people just need to be right, even when they are obviously wrong. He explains that their ego takes over their reality. This process completely ruins any chance of connection.
The good news is humility is a trainable trait. Learning how to acknowledge incorrect beliefs and ideas are what psychologists call, "intellectual humility."
2. They can't take feedback
There are lots of people who don't like criticism. Instead of reflecting on what is being told to them, they fight back and get defensive. He states that feedback can actually rattle their whole self image.
A healthy option for looking at feedback is that it's actually a high form of praise. When people take the time to offer suggestions to improve in a certain area, they are invested in your advancement and elevated performance. It's a statement of value.
3. They are highly reactive
An angry person.Image via Canva - Photo by Xebeche
Some people have difficulty pausing before responding. Whatever they feel, they immediately respond without taking the time to evaluate what's been said. Meltzer says, "It's not passion. It's poor self control."
Implementing a 'pause' before responding is an invaluable tool used by emotionally intelligent people. It gives you an opportunity to better understand and reflect upon what's been said.
4. They don't apologize or it's insincere
People that perform performative apologies are unaccountable and completely insincere. Meltzer says, "A real apology is owning the damage that was caused, not just trying to end the conversation."
Finding the courage to own our behaviors and to be accountable is a game changer. When we become responsible for our actions, it no longer shows weakness for doing wrong. It shows strength for admitting it.
5. They constantly cross boundaries
When people say something hurtful or invade your personal space, it's uncomfortable and sometimes even emotionally painful. Then, instead of apologizing, they might accuse you of being overly sensitive.
Meltzer states, "Emotional intelligence means knowing where the line is and actually respecting it." These lines are critical to building healthy relationships. They help each individual protect their own sense of self and well being.
6. They make every conversation about them
A bad listener.Image via Canva - Photo by ChristopherBernard
When you share something important, even vulnerable, and the person you're talking to shifts the conversation to themselves, it can be frustrating. Interrupting and comparing your experience with their own isn't about bonding and sharing the experience. They probably aren't really listening to you. These people are just waiting for their own turn to speak.
Being a good listener builds intimacy. Wanting a person to know they are being heard is more important than having a good answer for their situation.
If you recognize these six signs in yourself or others, don't fret. There are ways to make you emotional intelligence, and thus your relationships, much better. Talk to a therapist, do your research, and cultivate empathy.
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Why do some folks use social media but don't engage?
Psychologist says people who never comment on social media share these 5 positive traits
For over 20 years, social media has developed into a staple in many people’s day-to-day lives. Whether it’s to keep in communication with friends and family, following the thoughts of celebrities, or watching cat videos while sipping your morning coffee, there seem to be two types of social media users: commenters and lurkers.
The term “lurker” sounds equally mysterious and insidious, with some social media users writing them off as non-participants at best or voyeurs at worst. However, mindfulness expert Lachlan Brown believes these non-commenters have some very psychologically positive and healthy traits. Let’s take a look at how each one of these traits could be beneficial and see how fruitful lurking might be even though it can drive content creators crazy.
1. Cautious about vulnerability
Consciously or not, making a post online or commenting on one puts you and your words out there. It’s a statement that everyone can see, even if it’s as simple as clicking “like.” Doing so opens yourself up to judgment, with all the good, bad, and potential misinterpretation that comes with it. Non-commenters would rather not open themselves up to that.
These silent users are connected to a concept of self-protection by simply not engaging. By just scrolling past posts or just reading/watching them without commentary, they’re preventing themselves from any downsides of sharing an opinion such as rejection, misunderstanding, or embarrassment. They also have more control on how much of themselves they’re willing to reveal to the general public, and tend to be more open face-to-face or during one-on-one/one-on-few private chats or DMs. This can be seen as a healthy boundary and prevents unnecessary exposure.
Considering many comment sections, especially involving political topics, are meant to stir negative emotional responses to increase engagement, being extra mindful about where, when, and what you comment might not be a bad idea. They might not even take the engagement bait at all. Or if they see a friend of theirs post something vulnerable, they feel more motivated to engage with them personally one-on-one rather than use social media to publicly check in on them.
2. Analytical and reflective mindset
How many times have you gone onto Reddit, YouTube, or any other site and just skimmed past comments that are just different versions of “yes, and,” “no, but,” or “yes, but”? Or the ever insightful, formerly popular comment “First!” in a thread? These silent browsers lean against adding to such noise unless they have some valid and thoughtful contribution (if they bother to comment period).
These non-posters are likely wired on reflective thinking rather than their initial intuition. Not to say that all those who comment aren’t thoughtful, but many tend to react quickly and comment based on their initial feelings rather than absorbing the information, thinking it over, researching or testing their belief, and then posting it. For "lurkers," it could by their very nature to just do all of that and not post it at all, or share their thoughts and findings privately with a friend. All in all, it’s a preference of substance over speed.
3. High sense of self-awareness
Carried over from the first two listed traits, these silent social media users incorporate their concern over their vulnerability and their reflective mindset into digital self-awareness. They know what triggers responses out of them and what causes them to engage in impulsive behavior. It could be that they have engaged with a troll in the past and felt foolish. Or that they just felt sad after a post or got into an unnecessary argument that impacted them offline. By knowing themselves and seeing what’s being discussed, they choose to weigh their words carefully or just not participate at all. It’s a form of self-preservation through restraint.
4. Prefer to observe rather than perform
Some folks treat social media as information, entertainment, or a mix of both, and commenting can feel like they’re yelling at the TV, clapping alone in a movie theater when the credits roll, or yelling “That’s not true!” to a news anchor that will never hear them. But contrary to that, social media is a place where those yells, claps, and accusations can be seen and get a response. By its design, social media is considered by experts and the media as performative, regardless of whether it is positive or negative. Taking all of the previously mentioned traits into account, one can see why they would prefer to “observe the play” rather than get up on the stage of Facebook or X.
On top of that, these non-commenters could be using social media differently than those who choose to fully engage with it. Using this type of navigation, there may be nothing for them to comment about. Some commenters are even vying for this for their mental health. There are articles about how to better curate your social media feeds and manipulate algorithms to create a better social media experience to avoid unnecessary conflict or mentally tiring debate.
If you go on a blocking spree on all of your accounts and just follow the posters that boost you, it could turn your social media into a nice part of your routine as you mainly engage with others face-to-face or privately. In terms of commenting, if your curated Instagram is just following cute dogs and all you have to offer for a comment is “cute dog,” you might just enjoy the picture and then move on with your day rather than join in the noise. These non-commenters aren’t in the show and they’re fine with it.
5. Less motivated by social validation
The last trait that Brown showcases is that social media users who browse without posting tend to be independent from external validation, at least online. Social media is built to grow through feedback loops such as awarding likes, shares, and reposts of your content along with notifications letting you know that a new person follows you or wants to connect. This can lead many people to connect their activity on social media with their sense of self worth, especially with adolescents who are still figuring out their place in the world and have still-developing brains.
Engaging in social media via likes, shares, comments, and posts rewards our brains by having them release dopamine, which makes us feel good and can easily become addictive. For whatever reason, non-commenters don’t rely on social media as a means to gauge their social capital or self worth. This doesn’t make them better than those who do. While some non-commenters could have healthier ways to boost their self worth or release dopamine into their systems, many get that validation from equally unhealthy sources offline. That said, many non-commenters’ silence could be a display of independence and self confidence.
Whether you frequently comment online or don’t, it’s good to understand why you do or don’t. Analyzing your habits can help you determine whether your online engagement is healthy, or needs to be tweaked. With that information, you can then create a healthy social media experience that works for you.